


The Head of Slytherin

by Minerva McTabby (McTabby)



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: Crack, Filk, Humor, M/M, Poetry, Polyjuice Potion, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-22
Updated: 2010-09-22
Packaged: 2017-10-12 02:30:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/119798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McTabby/pseuds/Minerva%20McTabby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snape/Crabbe/Goyle, with Draco watching - Polyjuiced rhyming smut, all to the tune of <i>Battle Hymn of the Republic</i>. Many other pairings mentioned. Written in 2002. Five points to your House if you sing it out loud.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Head of Slytherin

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I solemnly swear that I'm up to no disrespect for the work of JK Rowling or Julia Ward Howe. And I'm not making a Knut off this.
> 
> Battle Hymn MIDI for singing along: http://www.gutenberg.org/files/21566/21566-h/music/battlehymn.midi

I would never have believed it of my stooges, Crabbe and Goyle,  
But I saw them sneak off somewhere with a flask of massage oil.  
I pursued - and found him waiting, with a cauldron on the boil -   
The Head of Slytherin.

 _Chorus:_  
Goyle and Crabbe were a disaster  
As erotic as cold pasta  
Till they shagged the Potions Master  
The Head of Slytherin!

I could see why they would strip for Snape, down to their birthday suits:  
It was certainly the only way they'd ever pass their NEWTs.  
And he looked at them and sneered, and gave the order: "Lick my boots!"  
The Head of Slytherin.

Though it ill befits a Malfoy to become a cheap voyeur,  
Still I couldn't leave the keyhole once I heard his silky purr.  
At least, not before I found out which position he'd prefer,  
The Head of Slytherin.

While his boots were being polished in a most devoted way,  
Snape had ladled out the potion into teacups on a tray.  
Now he handed two to Crabbe and Goyle, and muttered, "Seize the day!"  
The Head of Slytherin.

"You are both so very ugly, much to my sincere regret,  
"That disguises are in order if we mean to raise a sweat.  
"So drink up and be adaptive - that's the only way to get  
"Ahead in Slytherin!"

Goyle turned into Remus Lupin - that was something I could mock;  
But when Crabbe became my father, I'll admit it was a shock.  
Snape just smiled an evil smile as he produced his mighty cock,  
The Head of Slytherin.

There was Goyle-as-Lupin licking at whatever he could find,   
And the Lucius simulation with his face in Snape's behind -  
Then their smirking choreographer appeared to change his mind,  
The Head of Slytherin.

So he handed out new teacups, and the next thing that I saw  
Was a copy of the Dark Lord with a fist up Dumbledore.  
Though the image sent me reeling, it was entertainment for  
The Head of Slytherin.

Then came Lockhart, Quirrell, Moody, Filch, Karkaroff, and Macnair!  
A deranged parade of nipples, naked pair replacing pair.  
And I couldn't take my eyes off his distinguished derriere -  
The Head of Slytherin.

Throughout all the transformations, Crabbe and Goyle were very good  
And they followed Snape's instructions just exactly as they should.  
As a matter of House honor, even stupid students could  
Give head in Slytherin.

Viktor Krum was being fucked by Snape, while blowing Avery,  
When the last dose of the potion changed Krum into pseudo-me!  
On his knees in front of Potter, and behind him, filled with glee -  
The Head of Slytherin.

It's a matter of opinion what was real and what was not,  
But this Polyjuicing threesome undeniably looked hot.  
And by every indication, Snape enjoyed it quite a lot,  
The Head of Slytherin.

My own hand was moving faster by the climax of the game  
As I watched them come together, and I promptly did the same.  
And like Crabbe and Goyle before me, I was screaming out his name -  
The Head of Slytherin.

Naked Snape swooped down upon me, most impressive at close range,  
And he gave me a detention for observing that exchange.  
I'll be well-prepared, since now I know he likes it rich and strange,  
The Head of Slytherin.

 _Chorus:_  
Goyle and Crabbe were a disaster  
As erotic as cold pasta  
Till they shagged the Potions Master  
The Head of Slytherin!

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this for the Severus Snape Fuh-Q Fest back in mid-2002, just after arriving at LiveJournal. Remember it well: lightning-strike bunny as soon as I saw the Snape/Crabbe/Goyle prompt, with bonus points for "Draco watching" - cast around for a suitable tune, "Battle Hymn" was right there, and this filk was off and racing. Took a few days to write... had the MIDI on a repeating loop... I remember staring out the window, rearranging words in my head, occasionally dashing over to the computer to get a verse down, giggling madly all the way through as Snape got pervier and pervier.
> 
> Have reliable reports that a group of slashers in Australia once sang this thing out loud at a meet-up. Hee.
> 
> Not canon-compliant, obviously. Guess it's set in some vague hypothetical seventh year AU. Now depositing it here at AO3, for the record, as one of my favorite HP-fandom rhyming experiences.


End file.
